When I didn't pray

I was tired of sitting silent in prayer. I had lots to talk to God, when it concerned me. But when it was about others, I was rambling a senseless string of words and very soon I was finished. People who know me, will agree that I am a person of many words. I know it sounds odd, but I kind of use different people as targets to aim my words at.

My amma gets my words of fury and nonsense, my younger sister has no choice but to endure my boring 'insights' about life and my friends have to face my bland and predictable humour. Though prayer is about talking to God, I painfully realize that in prayer, my many words mean nothing.

It is the heart, the persistence, the faith and the desperation that connects to the heart of God. It's that crushed and broken spirit that can knock the doors of heaven. Intelligent words and graceful oration can make our prayer sound great, but God makes no sense out of it. This truth kept hitting me a lot and I was pushed to the point of frustration, when I scribbled these words..

Time is running
But I am not.
Haven't turned a soul to You.
The things I've been denied
Never hurt at all..
But it pricks real hard
When I think of those that I am due.
I wonder if it's my guilt
or..
the devil...
WHAT'S PARALAYSING ME ?
That I cannot move forward and heal the pain.
I'm longing for a future
That I have no hope to see
I'm longing to transform that life
That I don't know how to reach
Help me Lord
I don't know how to pray..
I don't know what to ask...
But I won't give up..

I guess God heard this and opened my eyes to some opportunities at church to commit a certain hour of prayer for intercession. I heard him tell me, "Baby, you ain't gonna learn to pray without actually praying! just like you can't learn swimming from a book..." So I have decided to dive in..

I am writing a series of posts on praying, these posts are retold versions of several teachings from books, sermons and studies.

I've titled the lessons to resonate Matthew 6:6 "But when you pray"

I write these posts hoping that it would help me practise prayer the way it should be. Hope you find them useful in your prayer walk too.

Still learning,
Callie

faithful servant

Not another option

Lord I don't want many open doors

My life is Your breath in action

And it is Your will that I adore

When I look inside to feel

The deep desires in me

Roaring emotions slowly fade

And only the gentle sound of Your heartbeat remains.

Trying to focus,

And struggling to find.

The reason for my life.

Lord, what were your thoughts for me ?

When I was nowhere else but in Your mind.

Your perfect Life

Teaches me how to live and walk

Your selfless Death

Makes me wonder

Why did you care about me so much at all?

Your resurrection my King

Proves your power and dominion

Above all that I behold in awe.

Life goes on here for few years alone.

The rest I spend in an eternity

Irresistible though unknown

With arms open wide

Master you are waiting for me.

To show me my mansion

And Your Glory to reveal

When you behold me in your arms

I want you to say

“Well done faithful servant

You've always known my heart

And obeyed my voice

Even through troubled paths”

In this life Father

My strength will always fail.

Oh Lord, My Master

Let your Grace alone prevail.

From Callie, With Love

Forgive me for boring
But you've always borne my painful art.
So I just take it for granted.

There were days I came to college
With a heavy heart.
There were days I felt my mind ripped apart.
My morning prayer would be filled with questions
That I never dared to ask

And we'd begin our normal chat
And we'll talk till our mouths run dry
I never wanted you to know my ugly heart
So everything would just stay inside.

But that's the miracle of our friendship
The one that He breathed into
He would speak into your heart
And the words would just fall through.

The very words that I needed to hear
The ones that heal and make light reappear.

I've always been proud and bold
You know why..?
Because my friends; I could always try..
They would never their affection withhold...
They would always protect me and love me
Even if; To others I looked cold.

I wonder how my life would have been
Without you guys...
With just mom, dad, sis and me
And everyday I say thank you
For this gracious gift that only few receive.

Its great to have fun
Its great to be together
But our lives are different.
And we may not always need each other.

Guys..God put us together
Not just for ourselves
But for Him and His great plan.
We've learnt a lot from each other.
And earned a lot more than we ever can.

Now its time to show the world the lessons we learnt.
To show those watching
That we're doing just what He dreamt.
That our friendship's was not a passing cloud.
But helped us each to build our life in the very way He loved.

I don't believe that its for us
The parting pain and the farewell cry.
It'll never end you know
The love and the joy..
And its true that we'll never know how to say good bye.

I hope that I never have to mail you with those dreadful words..
"I miss you man.."
But even if we move different ways.
I'd still be glad that you're in His hands.

I'm sorry guys
I tried really hard to give back
My best I did, to show you that I care.
But somehow I could never be fair.

-Callie

The Appointment

(Forgive me!! I don't know poetry but wanted to try..)

The Appointment

Many things I want to say...

Even though some are very deep

But still I wish I had a stage

To tell everyone how I feel.

Philosophical... Whew!! I wish I'm not!

But down to earth and true.

A crazy stop in the journey is over

And I'm being carried through.

Its a joy to look back

And even more joy to look ahead.

But right where I am.

I can't find the right emotion to shed.

Born for a Purpose,

That's greater than me

My life's insignificant 

In the midst of the Light I see.

It gives me peace to know

That I belong to a bigger Plan.

That I am not alone

And every step is in His Hand.

There are dreams that I can carry

And there are ones I need to leave

NO matter what!!; I have a Father and  Friend

Who can meet my every need.

When I didn't have a form

And not even a name

He gave me a job

And enough of His Grace.

I am standing and knocking at the door of a busy world

Waiting and watching, naive and swirled.

He picks me up, with a warm embrace.

And every doubt is gone...

When I see His Face.

-Callie