When I didn't pray

I was tired of sitting silent in prayer. I had lots to talk to God, when it concerned me. But when it was about others, I was rambling a senseless string of words and very soon I was finished. People who know me, will agree that I am a person of many words. I know it sounds odd, but I kind of use different people as targets to aim my words at.

My amma gets my words of fury and nonsense, my younger sister has no choice but to endure my boring 'insights' about life and my friends have to face my bland and predictable humour. Though prayer is about talking to God, I painfully realize that in prayer, my many words mean nothing.

It is the heart, the persistence, the faith and the desperation that connects to the heart of God. It's that crushed and broken spirit that can knock the doors of heaven. Intelligent words and graceful oration can make our prayer sound great, but God makes no sense out of it. This truth kept hitting me a lot and I was pushed to the point of frustration, when I scribbled these words..

Time is running
But I am not.
Haven't turned a soul to You.
The things I've been denied
Never hurt at all..
But it pricks real hard
When I think of those that I am due.
I wonder if it's my guilt
or..
the devil...
WHAT'S PARALAYSING ME ?
That I cannot move forward and heal the pain.
I'm longing for a future
That I have no hope to see
I'm longing to transform that life
That I don't know how to reach
Help me Lord
I don't know how to pray..
I don't know what to ask...
But I won't give up..

I guess God heard this and opened my eyes to some opportunities at church to commit a certain hour of prayer for intercession. I heard him tell me, "Baby, you ain't gonna learn to pray without actually praying! just like you can't learn swimming from a book..." So I have decided to dive in..

I am writing a series of posts on praying, these posts are retold versions of several teachings from books, sermons and studies.

I've titled the lessons to resonate Matthew 6:6 "But when you pray"

I write these posts hoping that it would help me practise prayer the way it should be. Hope you find them useful in your prayer walk too.

Still learning,
Callie